Depression & Anxiety

So as most of you know I used to be suicidal and I still struggle with depression. Well I'm struggling right now and I don't really know what to do because there is no reason for it and that pisses me off like there is no reason! Like what the fuck!? I think it's partially because I've been feeling lonely even though I know that breaking up with my ex was the right thing to do still it doesn't mean I want to be alone. I'm sick of being the friend who helps guys get the girls they want when they are the guys I could want it's so frustrating! Like why do I have to want everyone else to be happy but I don't seem to want myself to be happy! I can't stand myself. I'm just kinda done trying. I'm done chasing after any guys if they want me come get me (but be gentlemen). I'm just done putting people who don't care about me ahead of myself.
Xoxo Megan

Break Ups

So I really didn't want to have to write this but I feel it necessary considering I have shared so much of my life with all of you already, but This past week I broke up with my boyfriend and it was something I had wrestled with it for a couple of days. I had gone away for the weekend for thanksgiving at my aunts house. It sort of kick started in my head wondering if the relationship was right when I told him I was leaving for the weekend and he was all "I won't see you for three weeks omg even though we see each other at school everyday we won't be able to hang out outside of school"... I'm one of those girls who it's like oh we are hanging out? cool, oh you want a boys night? awesome that means I get a guilt free girls night, oh you pulled some super fun thing to do out of your ass? even better. I'm not a needy girlfriend and I can't handle a needy boyfriend!! I'm not that girl that has to talk to a boy 24/7, like yeah it's really fun when you are first getting to know each other and you text all the time and you never get bored of each other. That phase wears off and for me it wore off quickly... I like to sit at home and watch netflix, or when its super nice out I want you to be like wanna go get snowcones? (I love being outside but not when it's colder than frosty the snowman's balls!) I like being at my grandparents because I get to drive his gator and do target practice with his guns that's the kind of girl I am but don't think that means I don't like to look pretty while doing it. I had lost the want to look pretty for him I found myself constantly wearing sweats. You know that feeling when you like someone and the thought of seeing them gives you butterflies and you like that feeling because it means you're excited I never had that... Back to the story.. We were very different and not in a good opposites attract way. And it didn't exactly help that a cute boy who is best friends with my friends ex texted me that and he's really cool and more similar to me so that made it all kind of spiral. I talked to my friends and got their opinions and well we broke up the next day... But I'm not sad I think we both need people more similar ad who enjoy our stupid little quarks. That's all for now join me later to find out what I want in guy ;)
Xoxo Megan

Quinn's Quest

So I guess it's about time to get personal. I'm going to tell you about a family that I consider my second family. My close friends Payton, Orion, and Quinn are my "siblings" Eddie and Terri are my "parents" I love them so much they are my best friends. About 3 years ago Quinn who was about 7 at the time was complaining of headaches constantly. So Terri took him to the hospital and they found a tumor on his brain stem. He was flown to Iowa City to get cancer treatment. While he was in the hospital Orion and Payton stayed with me on and off for about 5 months. Exactly one month before his 8th birthday Quinn passed away.... I found out about this at volleyball from people who barely knew Quinn's family at all. I was heart broken. I spiral into my old depression it was awful, I began to cut myself... I cried for days on end. It's been about 3 years since he died and it still kills me inside to think about it. I miss him so much my little hockey player, the cutest kid I'd ever met. He will forever be my angel. Sorry  if I bummed you out. That's my sad story
xoxo Megan

One of my favorite poems

This is a poem I had to find for school and fell in love with because it made me think about the people I'd lost...Specifically a very close friend of mine.. I'll tell you more about him another day.

Who Would You Be Today?

Joel Mckeown

Could you imagine a pain so deep down inside

That it can not be summarized in words you simply can write

A pain that touches your toes and up to the top of the ceiling

You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, that is the pain that I am feeling

But my father raised a boy that can stand on his own

But these different circumstances has got me feeling alone

All the doctors and the nurses say you’re dead and you’re gone

But it still feels like I could talk to you if I picked up the phone

You can’t fix a broken window you just replace the pane.

But there is no pain great enough to replace your face

With my eyes matted shut from the tears that I slept on

I thank God for the pictures and your voice on my cell phone.

But please, while you are awed in the mist of the Lord

Don’t forget all your friends and time spent on this world.

I will never have a friend like you ever again.

My heart is a vault now, I’m scared to let people in.

No matter how many oceans or rivers I cry

My heart will never let you go, I’ll never say good bye.

A lot of my hours are now spent in the place where you lay

As I sit crying, wondering, who would you be today.